ZOOMING HIGH ABOVE OCEANS

2010-02-08T17:09:00.000-08:00

Ive been obsessed with interior design blogs lately. I love yellow accents and white walls with dark wood floors and lots and lots of light.

Back to reality, i've been working unbelievably hard lately balancing an internship, school, and days to work so i at least have some money to live. its not much though and i'm really broke and i took about 30$ out of my vacation saving which makes me so mad, but i'm t kind of proud of myself. I sat in on a casting today and it was really interesting. I really like my internship, i hope i'm doing a good job. i have to learn not to over think things and judge myself so much. schools boring and i hope i can graduate in june. even though i'll have a couple more classes to make up it'll be a huge relief off my shoulders.

i started to make a bucket list, things include:

- volunteering at sundance film festival

-camping out at the grand canyon

- going to the superbowl or world series and wearing extreme face makeup

- learn how to knit

also, i want to see every cheesy movie thats about to come out.

i need a new hair color.

my bed has become more of a glorious haven than it already was.

Dry Skin

2009-12-18T21:19:00.000-08:00

i love banksy, if you haven't seen his street art look it up.

I'm going to buy myself this bike in the spring, so that in the summer i can ride around and listen to music and save gas when its really expensive. mary moved to rosebank so now i dpn't have anyone living 10 minutes away from me anymore, but an hour bike trip would be nice in the summer.

I can't believe this year is almost over i feel like so much has happened and honestly i can't wait till after new years for the simple fact that i won't have to save all my money anymore and i can stop being a debbie downer on the weekends. winter doesn't excite me though. new york is so brutal in the winter and i like to hibernate. its suppose to snow tomorrow. i have my best friend from high schools wedding in 5 days. its crazy that shes getting married. when we were 14 we use to write notes to each other all day in school about boys and our boyfriends and pass them in classes we had together , or in between classes we didnt have together. everyone still thinks we are sisters and its still great.i wish i saw her more. shes moving to hawaii, one of my favorite places, and i hope i can visit her in june.

i have 2 semesters of school left. if i take 25 credits next semester i can walk in graduation and then take like 2 or 3 classes in the fall. im been sending out countless resumes for internships and barely getting anything back. i think its true when everyone said its all about who you know. but i met my moms friends and had coffee and stuff with her on 38th last week and then went to briannas office to help her hang clothes and clean the showroom. i'm born and raised in new york and have never been to macys and we walked past and i dragged her in and then ran out from the amount of people trying to run me over.

i miss people i want to do things over my break. i really want to go to the tim burton exhibit at the moma.

i also want to volunteer at a rehab center and take a film theory class, im one of those people who hates watching movies they hate though.

2009-11-27T20:39:00.001-08:00

I posed for my friend brianna a while ago for one of her art classes in boys clothes..these are her paintings of me!

The winters a drag. i want to burrow into a hole made of blankets and pillows on my bed and pop out 5 months later in time for summer sunshine. everyone hibernates and i boycott.

Internship search is moving along i guess. i discovered i'm really impatient and don't want to wait for people to e-mail me back so i might just get dressed up and go to some of these places. hopefully they'll see it as showing initiative and not me being obsessive or crazy. I've sent out about 15 resumes and my mom hooked me up with some people i have to e-mail to meet for coffee and chat...like a grown up. hopefully next semester i have 2 days of school, 2 days of internship and 2 days of work.

And if the snow buries my,
my neighbourhood.
And if my parents are crying
then I'll dig a tunnel
from my window to yours,
yeah a tunnel from my window to yours.
You climb out the chimney
and meet me in the middle,
the middle of the town.
And since there's no one else around,
we let our hair grow long
and forget all we used to know,
then our skin gets thicker
from living out in the snow.

- neighborhood #1 tunnels by arcade fire.

2009-11-02T08:35:00.000-08:00

I never update anymore. slacker.

Needs:

- to graduate with a bachelors, which may require me to double major since i only need five more classes. Possibly journalism or cooperate communications. One more year.

- a trip to germany or paris, but probably paris because i can stay with my dads cousins. and another trip back to sunny california to regain my tan from summer.

- new furniture

- a big warm winter coat and lots of sweaters

- lots of money

- final-cut pro so i don't have to travel to school to edit video and make inconvenient appointments.

- AN INTERNSHIP. if i make the ballsy choice to do one next semester i need to figure this out asap.

- in and out burger VV

Left Coast Envy

2009-09-01T16:08:00.000-07:00

California was beautiful. Big post asap

Ends.

2009-08-13T22:29:00.000-07:00

End of Summer is exactly two weeks away,

i have to pull some strings with advisors at school to get some classes changed hopefully,

finish my resume and apply to internships which i've been putting off because i refuse to think about getting older 24/7.....but i hate my job lately so it needs to happen anywayz

but first

West Hollywood/ Venice Beach/ Santa Monica/ hopefully i convince mary to go to the red woods

in 1 week.

anxieties:

the plane ride

that something terrible will happen home while i'm 3000 miles away

that something terrible will happen on vacay while i'm 3000 miles away

Keep it movin

2009-07-17T15:44:00.000-07:00

So much has changed in the last month that i can't even wrap my head around it,

if there wasnt a few people here i care about id run far away

I went to monessen , PA near pittsburgh. creepy fucking town. a toxic chemical cloud escaped from the factory thats there and killed most of the people in the town , and the factory was closed down so everyone else left because they lost their jobs. it was a pretty abandoned town. we went down to visit nikki and chris for nikkis birthday. most of the people were chill and i had a really good time. it was really good to get away and go into the country. i ate dennys everyday, was amazing. came really close to thinking a hairless rat was cute and it touched me and i didnt kill it, this is a HUGE accomplishment for me since i hate all rodents. some dude has a tattoo of himself (yes himself tattoed on himself) as the devil on his left shoulder and jerry garcia as an angel playing guitar on his right shoulder. ate mad ego waffles, and lived on a porch for a weekend.

I think i made an awesome resume and i'm glad that i can get multiple salon cilent recommendations. my rents went to north carolina for the last week. i love sleeping with my dog. i probably washed every clothing item in my room this past week. i started to jump rope as a work out and i realized i need to quit smoking. nicole moved to california monday, it sucks, but were booking our plane tickets this weekend. i feel alone sometimes, but ive realized its better, and i'm really not.

Sandy Hair

2009-06-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

updated summer bucket list, etc:

- LA august 24-27, SF 28-30

-getting tanner, but not tan yet, but i will be black soon enough

- megan fox stomach coming soon

- more celebs deaths prob

- CT to go wake-boarding and hanging on the lake with my cousins and friends

- new hair, new bangs

-Pittsburgh July 10th

Remember when we talked of where we'd be a year from now?

2009-06-19T23:16:00.000-07:00

Unreliability ... have I figured out my biggest pet peeve. No this probably just adds onto the list because its pretty HUGE in my book.

I think lately i've lost a giant part of myself to trying to please everyone. I mean, i've always been like this but its gone above and beyond. i don't even think of myself anymore and i'm pretty disgusted with myself. everything has become a hassle everyday , stepping on eggshells, with everyone . maybe i'm just having a nervous breakdown or something. or maybe its all this rain.

Met up with nik and ate dukes and got caught in the monsoon season that new york had been going through the entire month of june . went to a psychic and she told me that i'm practicing some form of magic, that i should work in entertainment ( she also told nik that, but thats my major in school), and that i'm going to marry someone 2 years older than me. she says i'm in relationships ( yes plural) now that i need to fix up. maybe my nervous breakdowns and this are all connected?

i've been listening to shook ones and pearl jam for the entire month. i'm heading out to california with mary to stay with nicole for about a week and i can't wait. i need to get away from the city. we're seriously under a plague.

i'm suppose to go to the driving range with my dad for fathers day. i hate golf more than any other sport i know of.

39th st flea market next weekend..and my cousins memorial service ... on m dads birthday..and then the next day is sams birthday.

Burning Sea

2009-05-24T00:26:00.000-07:00

I think i'm completely avoiding a huge crossroads in my life because i'm scared. Its like having my eyes closed but also seeing so clearly that it is there. I haven't written in while , half because i'm lazy, and half because i'm really unsure of what i feel and what i want to write. my mom talked to me about moving out yesterday and it was the icing on my cake that things are changing, and have to change , wether i ignore it or not its going to happen. the weirdest part is that something is telling me all the changes coming will be good for me, but i need to take action so i don't fall behind.

Schools over. June 10th-14th im gonna go to the bonarroo music festival in Tenn. camping out for 4 nights on a 700 acre farm. ELVIS COSTELLO , jenny lewis, passion pit, all playing! last year kanye west had a light show at 4 am.

july 4th free, jenny lewis and bright eyes

july 10th PTW, i can't wait.

its late, summers here, i'll be up until sunrise, my favorite

2009-05-23T15:39:00.000-07:00

Im going to have to make really big decisions soon

Take your wings outside, you can't fly in here.

2009-04-22T21:52:00.001-07:00

Schools really stressful. Im alright, but I need to get out of NY for a little.

Dude got held up at gunpoint , well 3 gunpoints, at 4p.m. next door to my job.

Me and Paul tried to make beats. I bought a lot of movies.

Endwell Cd release show.

Need to get a tattoo asap, but after May 10th because I need to save money till then.

School ending present to myself.

Somewhere out there between the moon and the sea, I wait for you my dear

2009-04-14T10:46:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to a lot of new music. heres some of my favorite itune library newbies

Little joy
Their whole album is good but i personally enjoy the song "Unattainable" the most. The chick has a really nice voice but isn't the only one who sings.

David Cook, I know he was an American Idol winnner but i can listen to his song "Come back to me" on repeat for a long time and i have crazy music ADD so that says a lot.

So i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

Sean Lennon? beautiful. His song "Tomorrow" almost put me to tears. i don't know why i've only started listening to him for about a month and not forever

Because I promise to stop loving you tomorrow
Today will be your last day in my arms again
I promise to stop thinking of you constantly
And wishing I could wake up every morning next to you
Darling yes it’s true
But today can we pretend it’s not too late
Today can we pretend

Canned Heat, a classic, played at Woodstock etc. Love the song going up to country, it's just happy, nice, and brings summer heat to my ears, if you get what i'm saying?

Matthew Perryman Jones. His song "Save you" is really good , I haven't downloaded any other yet.

Painting my room!

going where the water tastes like wine.

2009-04-09T23:38:00.000-07:00

i need to save 600$ in 2 weeks.

LAMBCHOPS

2009-04-07T15:27:00.000-07:00

Spring break is finally here and here is my bucket list for it:

- get a subject and plan my 5 minute interview/docu for video production class. CSI screwed me and i can't rent out during spring break which would be the perfect time.

- eat really good food everyday and ralphs ice

- paint my room

-go up to woodstock with tina

- go to CT. w/ the family for connecticut and maybe MASS. for metalfest but probs not. because i want to save up for dirty jersey atlantic city beaches for pauls birthday and old homstead giant 7 oz steacks and of course presents for him.

-new hair color?

- take in the 2 weeks of sun!

- save for cali roadtrip also.

I got an A on my Rush Limbaugh vs. The Presidency paper!

save the planet.

2009-04-05T19:37:00.000-07:00

This is where your path comes to an end.

2009-03-30T07:33:00.000-07:00

I've been really busy lately with school , work, boyfriend, and friends. I've been falling way behind in school and just want it to be over and done with, not even caring about my grades anymore but just passing and not having to vent about it anymore here would be great.

I did some thrift shopping yesterday at buffalo exchange and no relations. those places always smell funkz. buff ex. wouldn't let these two girls who were maybe around 15 exchange clothes for money because they weren't 18 yet and didn't have a parent with them? is the world fucking kidding, they should be happy these two little girls are taking incentive for themselves to make money before that can have a job and also exchange clothes to give to other people. no?

- over all , nothing to write home about.

- got sweet mint colored canvas from urban, lots of sunglasses from st. marks where the dude was up my butt stalking me watching i wouldn't steal any of his merch and vegetarian spring rolls with a green tea chicken wrap from yaffa w/ nick.

I was sent this band passion pit's EP, so nice to listen to. theyre a mix of animal collective, postal service, and black kids...to me at least. i've been obsessing over them for the past week.

on the music note, i need alkaline trio tix.

I covered all week for the other shampoo assistant at work and made a lot of money so i was able to put 100 big ones in my venice beach fund, or any beach fund, or anyplace far away in california with a beach that i can drive to.
It was mary's birthday a couple of weeks ago. Trash took away my ID which was bullshit of all places because i've never gotten rejected from there, or anywhere. SO ANYONE WITH BLACK HAIR AND BLUE EYES OVER 21 WHATS GUUUD? I NEED YOUR ID.

the root of the root

2009-03-22T13:39:00.000-07:00

Good things about myself:

- if i really consider you my friend i'm very loyal to you. i will always keep your deepest secrets and just regular aspects of your life to myself. betraying someone would wear me down

- i'm a good listener even though i'm pretty sure i have a.d.d. while storying telling, i'll always try to give you the best advice

- best astrological advice to go with the last one

- 99% polite to everyone to keep things easy

- always up for fun

flaws:

- i need everything ( friends, boyfriend, work, family, job) to be fairly balanced but i feel like i'm usually the only one in the world to feel that this strongly so i usually fuck the balance up. trying not to hurt anyones feelings and keep things fair

- apologize too much for things people would never dream of apologizing for

- takes so long for people to let people in causing me to be really judgmental sometimes

-hard for me to put myself first

-sometimes flakey

-worry wart

- hard time saving money

I lost my ambition when I swallowed my pride

2009-03-15T00:20:00.000-07:00

Things coming up

+ paint my room the perfect shade of eggshell or some white/ yellow color

+ get more lamps for light

+ finish the last twilight series book

+ do good on midterms. dont slack off on all the projects i have

I hate sitting somewhere , listening to a conversation or worse being in one, while you see right through that person. It makes me so uncomfortable and i wonder if i'm the only one thinking this or of people do this with me.

2009-03-11T06:19:00.000-07:00

The weekend was nice. It was warm the ENTIRE three days of it, which put mostly everyone in a good mood. Friday there was a show at docks. my girlfriends, dude friends, and a million and a half kids i've never seen in my life. it was poops birthday , we all smoked and ate chinese and found out they deliver past midnight.

Saturday nicole surprised me at work, we ate pretzel crushed chicken , only the best chicken ever p.s., and shopped. me paul and ralph went up to purchase to joes house. it was fun, his new house is really nice, stuffed our faces with pigs in a blanket and beer. thought i was going to actually die on the ride home though.

Sunday was the parade in west brighton. i was drinking in a parking lot with my friends and drunk by 11 am. saw a lot of people from high school. went to a way too crowded bar. fell more in love with mary tina and nicole. went into a coma around 5 pm because i got home at 6 am the day before.

this week is rainy and glum.

i have work in a half hour and i'm still in bed. i wanna live in pauls bed.

i have to make a 1-2 minute movie from a prospective of an inanimate object. I'm going to do it from a plates p.o.v. i hope it turns out good, i should have really started already. i have to rent equip. tomorrow.

I took a Zumba fitness class. It was great! every girl should take this class. I go after class on thursdays at 10 am. Its a mix of salsa, reggae, and latino dance moves mixed into a fitness work out. my teacher played sean paul and souja boy. nuff said. I also take an abs class for an hour afterward.

Flightless bird, grounded.

2009-03-02T19:57:00.000-08:00

So,

Things I don't care about:

1. media conglomeration and synergy

2. the 100$ deposit i was suppose to have for class last week

3. motivated cuts/ directing or coming up for a movie story line of any type

4. the foot of snow we got

5. any snapple besides fruit punch currently

6. going out with my hair damp

7. being broke

anybody who hasn't read the twilight books, needs to read them. i must have been living under a rock, but the love story its really intense and great, i now understand why there are "twimom" aka moms who are just as obsessed with twilight and edward as much as their 13 year old daughters.

2009-02-22T12:37:00.001-08:00

2009-02-19T20:41:00.000-08:00

Brianna sketched me.

I was Daniele's patient, she cleaned my teeth, I need to start flossing.

We move like the sea. You, you're all i want to know.

2009-02-15T22:41:00.000-08:00

Soon.

So, since my cousin was killed i've been having a re- occurring dream that i am at different peoples funerals. people that i've just only been around a few times in my life, not anyone that has made an impact or been important to it in any way. anyways, when i wake up i just feel shitty and want to scream. i need some kind of remedy to get rid of this.

on a good note:

my godfathers daughter works for HOUSE productions and castings in the city across from the chelsea market and asked me if i wanted her to save me a spot for an internship in the summer. fucking awesome. and it would only be about 2 days a week but thats ok with me because 1. i'm not getting paid and 2. i don't want to be working my ass off for no money during the summer. the only part about it is that i really wanted to drive cross country and travel during the summer. i've been saving money and all. i know it's not as important career wise but travel is really important to me and i wanted to do it before internships and jobs got in the way, i guess they beat me to the punch tho.

valentines was cute. i got long stemmed roses and love lobster tail.

and also, i really understand why 95% of the world is obsessed with Twilight. AND kate winslet should win the oscar for The Reader.

Blow away from my window

2009-02-12T07:22:00.000-08:00

Things I learn from work:

- Women are funny , they will not legally seperate from a guy and by the time youre in your 60s theyre hoping you die before them so they can collect or tha

t they don't lose their life insurance. In a way it's pretty much one of the smartest things you can do when you fall out of love or leave but are not divorced. " Try to die before 70 so I don't lose my insurance" haha.

- The nicest thing to buy your wife for valentines day is a new wardrobe because she just lost 21 pds on weight watchers!

-This old man always calls to make an appointment and then eventually calls back 5 times throughout the week to change it , but his wife drives him and he always says " let me ask my bride if thats an alright time" its cute. she isn't so nice to him tho.

- there ARE truly selfless people in the world. One woman let her marriage go to shit because she was there for her friend everyday not spending time on her relationship, for a long long time when her husband died unexpectantly. Also, and at the same time, I've learned some people really do die alone..

- Ben Affleck sucks, but already knew that

-Don't open a door even if its a cop. If he doesn't have a badge and legit patrol car outside then you should be talking to him from your window...on the second floor, not first.

-how to use an exercise ball

- Some couples never fly together when they go on trips/ out of town/ wherever because they figure only one of the two planes is likely to crash, and there should be one parent left so nothing happens to their kids.

I work at a hair salon, none of these facts are about hair

I'm growing out the black from my hair, i'm going to be wearing a hair forever until it gets far enough to Oops. lets see if i can do this.

I watched this show called Married to the Eiffel Tower. It's about woman with objectophilla, meaning they believe they have loving sexual relationships with objects such as the golden gate brides, amusement park rides, the berlin wall, a bow n arrow, and one woman is really married to the eiffel tower. There are only woman objectophillists (sp?), what does this tell you?

couldnt post the video but heres the link. insane.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEwFE6DDi6I

2009-02-08T22:40:00.000-08:00

Someone recommend a good book to read because i have a long break on tuesdays at school and want to read during it.

I think i want to try to go for a 4.0 this semester. I know i can do these things, frankly, i just turn up lazy most of the time. Schools good tho.

My video production class freaks me out. My teachers a successful documentary film maker and was a professional photographer before hand. Our first assignment was to taking pictures reflecting 7 basics of composition and we learned some camera techniques. I have to fine time to take all my certification tests so i can rent out equipment.

My Italian class is still the same because its the same teacher but I know what to expect and if i do the online homework i'll get an A. online homework just bothers me in general i want to write everything on paper, old school, not even type it.

Media studies lecture is awesome. This kid said that since elton john came out of the closet you don't hear him on the radio anymore, and everyone bugged out about his comments. Now when I was movies i really notice the advertisements in them because of synergy and cross-promotion of corporations

My radio production class is the best one. My teachers awesome and everyone in the class is really friendly which is hard to find at this school and i usually just keep to myself. We watched mythbusters and an angry documentary on Telsa and also listened to the Hindenburgh board cast and next week is war of the worlds! this class also has a blogspot, sweet.

I'm going to start running again, and i'll finally realize how out of shape I am the first time i go out on thursday, but i need more things for myself, and i use to love running even if it was below zero.

and last, so guilty of being / acting like an ecstatic 13 yr. old when i heard blink was getting back together! you have no idea i chased there van 10 blocks in the city when i was a sophmore in high school, and was a legit member of the street team.

2009-02-07T14:18:00.001-08:00

youre about to ruin everything.

Darling take me by the hand, we're gonna be a punk rock band

2009-01-31T00:39:00.000-08:00

i do ridiculous things. i got extremely stoned and ordered food from a dinner because no one would eat with me there and so i figured i would just order out since it was 3 am. so i ordered a turkey club with honey mustard and a strawberry milkshake. p.s. i am now obsessed with strawberry milkshakes, thank you megan. so i went there and picked it up and i walked out and went in my car to drive home when i decided that i couldn't wait and went back inside , walked pass the hostess , and grabbed a booth for myself, opened the bag and ate everything.30 minutes later i realized eating it in my bed would have been so much better.

I hope this song will guide you home.

2009-01-23T20:01:00.000-08:00

Its so true when people say that losing someone can give you a completely knew perspective on certain things in your life. My cousin Dan got into a car accident and died last night in connecticut (where he lives). He was 21. He had an on and off girlfriend for five years, two sisters and two half sisters, etc. He was driving from his moms house back to my uncles and possibly could have been speeding, hit black ice, his car fishtailed , flippped over, and went off the road, and filled with snow . im in complete misery and even more mortified because you never really think that those types of things will happen to someone close to you. i woke up in a good mood but i heard my mom crying downstairs and then he told me. my entire family is a mass. whats worse is the memorial service, because my uncle and his ex are of different religions, isnt till tuesday so i have to sit around anxious and nuts until then. i just want to get there and be with my family.

dan was the only cousin i am pretty close too. i never see my cousins so a lot of the time its just small talk because we live so far, but me and dan had plans for him to come here so i can show him the real nyc and not just canal street and i was gonna go to Uconn with him for this huge 3 day long tailgate.

all of this made me break out in hives

and more shit from this day made me feel betrayed

i wish i was with my mom in connecticut

no other subjects should really be a part of this post, ya know?

WASHINGTON

2009-01-20T10:58:00.000-08:00

Densel Washington as George Washington, the first BLACK president.

DENZEL DENZEL DENZEL

this wudda been cool.

We're living under covers.

2009-01-14T10:36:00.000-08:00

Paul and I are driving cross country in the summer. He works too early . I have 300$ saved. I want to save at least 30$ a week. i'm so amped i hope this goes down.

Somehow my brother, who doesnt have a job ever, is also doing this but stopping to camp everywhere. I know my parents give him money and hide it from me. Its complete bullshit since if i wasn't working for the past 4 years theyd slay me.

I watched Milk. It was fucking amazing. Sean Penn should get an oscar.

more importantly:

I WATCHED INTO THE WILD AND IT CHANGED EVERYTHING.

I have insane amount of polaroids i need to scan but need new ink. Why do scanners require ink?

I owe 200$ and i'm screwed. money situ's always suck so bad

I ordered a swimsuit and a new romper im excited to come.

Playlist:

1.Let's make this moment a crime- the format

2. Bringer of truth- through the eyes of the dead

3. everything poison the well as always, and they need to come to nyc

4. cats in heat- the honorary title

5. stupid kid- alk3

6. polar bear club

7. eddie vedder

8. numbers- sky eats airplane

9. american me

10. the way i feel inside- the zombies

11. is there a ghost- band of horses

12. this modern love- bloc party

13. all of weezers blue album again and again

IT'S A HOLIDAY, 4TH OF JULY

2008-12-31T14:52:00.000-08:00

i just want to worry about myself

i'm going to have a wrinkly fucking face when i am old. hmph.

There's only one voice

2008-12-16T19:14:00.000-08:00

I just thought about how most of this year has sucked except for november, the month which i usually dread.

Go figure.

Bring on the new year, i'm probably jynxing myself right now by writing this.

my tooth is going to fall out.

last winter was fucking hell. i was sitting duck in a waiting game , waiting to fly south , into the summer heat by myself. this turned out to completely destroy and rebuild me. one not after the other, but at the same time if that makes sense. i don't know...maybe thats how things are suppose to work so that they can feel important? because they do more than ever, but have always.

fuck i'm growing up.

the Grinch

2008-12-14T21:39:00.000-08:00

i hate the hoe li daze unless theyre illegit ones like the 4th of july and st. patricks day ( but only the day that the parade on the island is set for). all other holidays are too much stress and i sincerely hate this month so far. also, i may be the only person who doesnt update about how they are so nervous and freaking out about their finals ever other second. maybe because i don't care this semester about my classes , or maybe thats just not me, but i'll probably regret just making flashcards and never going over them.

i probably have bronchitis or something like that. i can't eat for the past 2 days my stomach is just being weird and i have coughing attacks where it feels like a lung is going to come flying out of my throat.

i got paul the perfect christmas present and rob got him it too , fuck

a woman i work with wears a pin around on everything that says " it's ok to say merry christmas to me" and put a sign on her stations mirror that says "jesus is the reason for the season" haha.

cargo has the best appetizers ever, i still hate the studio, where is ghostface

why is there going to be a real world brooklyn? as if two new yorks werent bad enough

i got the perfect tattoo idea , finally

i'm super annoyed

my t.v. only plays channel 4 now because i gave my other one to my grandma because hers broke so i can't watch david letterman at night anymore, fuck squared

nikkianne is coming home to me in 5 days, thank god.

NEEK NEEK

2008-12-09T22:22:00.000-08:00

new york,

i love you, but you're bringing me down

Nerdy.

2008-12-03T12:07:00.000-08:00

I can't wait to roadtrip.

this song will always top them all.

Why do your eyes paralyze me
What makes me feel this way
Just carry me away with silence and heartbeats
As rapid thinking about your embrace
and how it makes me feel
I just want to feel this way forever
Sleep on portraits painted as perfect as you
Why have I been given the chance to fly
When I'm not with you I feel lesser alone
I remember your face / imprinted on angels
Your voice as beautiful / as the sounds of waves
crashing against my heart
Time slows down when you look at me
I'm infatuated with this / infatuated with you
It's so hard for me to understand why
I hadn't found you before don't dull away
hold my hand

What I know is..

2008-11-28T22:53:00.000-08:00

I am honest. What i know is that everyone should build a guard because its going to end up as your most valuable possession whether you ever find out or know it all too well. What is know is that at one point you just have to stop letting certain things get to you, but that thats really the hardest part. What i know is that i love you, and you do love me. What is know is that I never write the good shit down. What is know is that its no one business, anything, usually. What i know is that i live for a handful of things in this world, and the other handful is why. What i know is that i always always always most have everything in balance. What is know is my family likes you, and i like yours. What i know, is really all i need to know.

I'm going to eat your soul for breakfast

2008-11-24T06:52:00.000-08:00

My class for next semester if i stay at CSI:

COM 150 Communications Intro

CIN 111 Video 1

COM 270 Radio and T.V. Production

Italian 213, Italian 3

and hopfully CIN 115 Introduction to Design and Media (when one of the customers at my job waives me into it)

hunter college is a complete run around. i'm semi excited for my classes next semester so i might just screw the entire thing and apply for next fall instead or something who knows. I made a resume but i'm to lazy and comfortable to send it anyplace just yet.

I have to read 200 pages and write an essay by weds

i bought a new bed and built it and a new table and built it , but till tuesday when my new mattress comes i have no place to slept because my brother is coming home

trying new food is so good lately i discovered i love eggplant rollitine , piroges (sp?), baked clams , etc

2008-11-21T21:33:00.001-08:00

http://break.com/index/hot-chick-pranked-in-bathroom.html

Do I look tired enough for you?

2008-11-17T13:34:00.000-08:00

-WORK

- my green rooms suffocating me so i'm painting. if you want to help since i hate painting come

- i bought a giant bed , people come stay with me i'll make u breakfast

- i'm going to try to convince this girl to convince her cousin to get me a spot working on david letterman so i can watch him ask sarcastic questions every night

-i need a new book to read and some new music to listen to.

- i want to visit nikkianne

- i love football, still

- i wonder if the countdown to the end of the world cargo bar has on its wall will really come true

- theres some sort of red in my hair

- college administrative assholes should probably stop sitting at their desks reading the newpaper and either answer my calls or help me when i show up there..MAYBE

you are new and near now to someone you used to love
when you were young; when all was gold and you two touched
and felt the flutter underneath your skin. you stood in glowing rooms,
the light dripping from both of you.
and nothing since has felt as radiant or real

paul told me the first time we hung out i put too much chocolate in my milk because i was nervous. i never thought that but its probably true. i like when he surprises me by knowing me better than i know myself, sometimes.

Zooming high above the largest ocean on planet earth

2008-11-11T15:48:00.000-08:00

I've finally stopped caring about people who don't put out back. I love who i have around me day by day lately. Theres so much going on lately that my boss always asks me what i've been doing and i don't even know what to tell her because i'm delirious 24/7 and currently getting extremely sick but big plans big plans.

Me and mary are moving in together 2009, probably in the spring or summer and it's going to be fucking awesome but we need a 3rd roomate. not sure where we are going to live yet bbut whatevz.

Tattoos with tina this week. we all went to the bar and i had horrible quesadillas and there were bagpipers who would get drunk and start playing and march in and out of cargo.

This weekend me and paul are going to ikea so we can get me my giant bed and i can't wait to lay around in it forever.

i think its set in stone that the only place me and paul should go out to eat is jade island and its the BEST.

Crook

2008-11-06T21:38:00.001-08:00

looking to move to bk by summer

2 roomies, anyone?

Obama '08

2008-11-06T15:58:00.001-08:00

i've been anxious for 4 or 5 days now, since november has started. i can't sleep at all i wake up at 4:45 in the morning and toss for 3 more hours or until whenever i have to wake up. i'm anxious because i'm scared of losing everything again and because my future seems so far away.

I'm watching that dude Spitzer on the news right now and his wife looks unhappy as fuck. i wonder how much he's paying her to stay with him because that could be the only reason.

Old people will always fascinate me for the meer fact that their husbands or wives die and they still get up every morning, most of them, and do shit. how do you even deal with that kind of thing?

I AM NOT ELEANOR ROOSEVELT,FDR.

2008-11-04T19:30:00.000-08:00

November, if there is any month that i hate it is this one, everything goes to shit during it. the trees die, it gets dark, and everything is compressed and suffocating. halloween is lame but i looked awesome. i'm broke as a joke. i fucking hate oprah i hope someone runs her over with a car she gave away to them.

2008-11-03T13:33:00.001-08:00

i'm sick of hearing mouth bullshit bullshit bullshit

2008-10-31T22:46:00.000-07:00

David Letterman,

2008-10-29T21:18:00.001-07:00

i love you

the end.

show tomorrow!

tattoo wednesday!

You're the greatest matador.

2008-10-19T20:50:00.000-07:00

I bought i hope they serve beer in hell instead of just reading stories online and its so amazing. i'm thankful brianna showed it to me. i couldnt believe how many people were in barnes and noble of a saturday night, studying. i want some pumpkin cheese cake but i dont like cheesecake.

my dad always puts tombstones he paints in front of the house for halloween along with giant zombies and dead men he makes that are about 10 ft tall. he made graves for the economy and yankee stadium. ahah awesome

Top things needed to go down soon:

- visit nikkianne at savini school

- make some kind of halloween costume

- celebrate ashton's big TWO ONE friday

- working and school same day every day this week

- k. devine and jesse lacey even tho nothing will beat watching his first shows when i was 13 at dock st.

- acacia strain the 30th

- rangers hockey game with paul soon . PITBULL WITH LIPSTICK

- quia

- studying more about rising signs

- get a jacket because i'm freeeezing

So,

2008-10-18T02:08:00.000-07:00

dont fall in love.

You've got blood on your hands, and i know its mine.

2008-10-13T23:00:00.000-07:00

paul and i rushed to the vet in red bank ditty jerz last night to try and save buddy, the tortious. it was so sad sitting in the car for an hour with this poor turtle in the shoe box dying and then coming back to life only to gasp for air because this parasite had been taking over his body, and then he would die again. he was literally so dead, or so we thought, that at one point me and paul pulled over the car and id tip his body and his head would fall. they couldnt give him meds for his parasite, rana disease , and he had to be put asleep. depressing at fuck.

i am swamped with school shit. i dont know how i fit anything into my life at all. i made a new resume and am going to start applying to jobs and internships so i can get the hell out of school.

awesome songs lately:

- these eyes- the guess who

- unfinished business- white lies

- sparks- the who

- heart of the sunrise- yes

- ALL of the she & him album

my parents went away. my neighbor scares me because he saw me naked once and we BOTH know. i love sleeping with my dog.

Thanks for,

2008-10-11T13:42:00.000-07:00

yourself

Stupendous

2008-10-09T22:55:00.000-07:00

So, on the plus side i figured out i want to work for some kind of record label or t.v. station like hbo. it'd be the perfect mix of everything i'd like in a job i hope.

I have lots of polaroids , none of them which i feel like scanning , so, i took this cute one of paul and sassy with my photobooth

everything is overwhelming lately, esspecially school, im so not into it. I've been downloading so much music and i just listen to it on my ipod during class. i know BADASS

went to trash on friday on ave c.

where nick feel through the bathroom door while someone was in there, me and steve had to carry him outside , in which he fell again. then he found out he lost his phone while i had made a drunk run to the deli to buy cigzz and did about 30 $ worth of scratch offs. made this kid matt help me and he got us weed from his apartment. we meet bros on the ferry and they were calling nick negative nick and hitting on me and daniele and i told them nick was my boyfriend and we stomped away.

this girl told steve if he was gonna sit with me and daniele on the ferry shed block him on aim and so he came and sat with us and she showed him that she blocked him HAHA

i've just wanted to curl up with paul lately and watch m

ovies on the couch or in bed or anything and its been nice.

whys it so hot this week? bring on the airrr

Someday

2008-10-01T16:43:00.001-07:00

sometimes i feel really lost, like the world is going to cave in on me. i hate this feeling because i can't get important things done like school work and sometimes i'll skip out on work. its honestly a good thing i've been working there so long so they let things slide easier than others.

i didn't even bother to write my fit essay because i don't want to go there. i just would like to go to hunter and do production and be behind the scenes and stuff. it'd be nice. i want to wear t-shirts that say "CREW" when i'm older.

i don't want to know as many people as i do. there are so few that are important to me, and those are the ones i go to for advice and try to protect in anyway i can. i wish i could only see all of these people all day long.

time

Bye bye miss american pie

2008-09-29T23:12:00.000-07:00

My birthday weekend was ridiculous. friday there was a show at the

art chyper but me mary and derek went and bought a bottle of jager that me nikki and mary finished in the bathroom way too fast. i don't remember much but nick said i was screaming nigger in the ghetto really loud and mary took pornstar pictures and there was a lot of dancing

on saturday me and maary decided to buy a bigger bottle of jager of drink that at johns party with my birthday, nikki and chris's going away, and matts birthday party. if i wasn't smashed enough the night before i was this night.

it was so good to let loose this weekend it was just what i needed because i'm piled up on school shit and i need to see people i haven't seen in a while.

i won't take off the sweater paul bought me for my birthday

adding pictures to this blog site is fucking annoying

ALSO: nikkianne left me to go to pittsburgh for over a year and that sucks cause shes my brother from another mother, but with a vagina

upside: MAD trips to pittsburgh

Please

2008-09-23T18:43:00.001-07:00

delete my birthday.

And also,

2008-09-21T13:53:00.001-07:00

i never want to read my old journal again.

Dear blood suckers,

2008-09-21T08:10:00.000-07:00

you money hungry douchebags of new york city, i think its fucking awful that you are knocking down yankee statium and putting a park there for little dirty bronx lowlives to run around, sell drugs, and get shot in.

and everyone knows youre just knocking it down , it gain more attention for the new statium , to make more money, because 50 fucking billion dollars a year isn't enough for you.

tonight is the last game ever to be played in the statium. i dont follow baseball that much anymore but its the idea that every season when i has just come out of the womb till i was about 14 i would go to at least 3-5 games a season because my dad LOVES YOU. i remember my dad bringing all 10 kids from my block there, and me him and my brother going all the time. i remember my first night game and being in the nose bleed section for 17 innings and believing it was bad luck everytime a plane from jfk flew over because something would go wrong, or nobody would get a hit. i remember taking the tour and my dad sneaking pictures. i remember climbing on everything with fred. i remember getting sick because i LOVE hotdogs.

and worst

my dad was sitting on the couch yesterday in misery looking as his old baseball cards and the limited time buttons they use to give you in an old shoe box, decked out in yankees gear watching the game. when he came over from italy when he was ate all he did was watch the yankees because the only words of english he knew how to say were merry christmas and coca cola, but you don't need english to watch sports. the yankees are my dads true first american love i think, and now your knocking down the stadium.

in conlusion, new york, what the fuck happened to you?

can't wait till sarah palin is in office so she can explain how humans and dinosaurs walked the earth and we can entire the pending depression thats about to occur

i need to write an essay that came for my application 5 weeks later!

peace

p.s. BIRTHDAY IN ONE WEEK.

2008-09-14T23:15:00.000-07:00

new york , i love you, but you're bringing me down.
like a death of the heart, jesus, where do i start?
but youre still the one pool, where i'd happily drown.

"They're on pot."

2008-09-09T23:11:00.000-07:00

i'm super stoned and should be asleep but i had to write before i get all this crazy babble running through my brain.

so..

i'm turning 20 in about 20 years and i don't like the idea of a 2 as the first digit of my number catagory. no one ever describes their twenties as the best time of their life, it's always their teens. TWENTIES DON'T TAKE ME : [

listening to rick ross

if anyone wants to join this crazy anti-gravity yoga class with me at CRUNCH gyms in the city lemme know

2008-09-08T22:32:00.001-07:00

xbox>me

2008-09-08T16:13:00.000-07:00

my birfday and nikkiannes ( and chris's) departure are on the same day which totally calls for a 3-way combination party. my birthday is the 28th i wanna celebrate for AT LEAST 3 days.

schoool schoooool schooooooooool.

workk worrrrrk wooorrrkkkk.

i'm gonna apply to hunter for media studies and production along with FIT. i need to get transcripts wednesday .

possies

+ sweater stockings

+ the weather is gonna get slightly colder this week, so i hear

+ the hills because i'm a straight up faggot for it

+ pauls ( or whoevers) cake with nutella frosting. KUDOS

+ gas prices lowering

+ helen thomas and sarah palin

neggies

-books being 431$

- my classes, all of them

- stress to the max

-all this transfer shit i have to do

- cariannes birthday getting rained out

- it STILL BEING mad hot

- my macbook being dead

- my macbook is dead =[

Hello Darkness,

2008-09-01T08:49:00.000-07:00

my old friend.

Tooth Extraction

2008-08-27T14:16:00.000-07:00

or bloody warfare massacre in my mouth?

either way its going to suck when the novocain wears off and everyone laughed when i said i have to go to school at 8 am tomorrow and work afterwards, but it was no joke.

2008-08-26T22:23:00.000-07:00

"

2) Admissions Requirements

You will receive two confirmations that your application has been received: the first will be from the SUNY Application Services Center and the second will be from FIT.

The letter that you receive from FIT will include your assigned login IDs, PIN and Password which you will need to complete your application. It can take 3 – 4 weeks for this second letter to arrive "

Who can really wait around for 3-4 weeks for a letter to come? i'm too anxious for that type of thing. it's been eating away at my life. I just want to write this essay and get it over with and know my fate and all the what-nots.

I constantly read New York Magazine. yes, OMG, a revelation, there is a magazine to read besides the ever so popular nylon magazine, not that i don't read that either. anyways, there was an article in this issue about people who came to new york because they believed it was really going to be the place where " dreams come true" and that every second, minute, and hour something exciting would be going on. Then the article went into how these people decided to move to BUFFALO because all they really gained here was high rent prices. The article was crazy, i had no idea buffalo was the second poorest city in the U.S. and that $60,000 could get you a median / average sized house and that $300,000 could get you a mansion. $60,000 here will get you a hut under the boardwalk that a bum has been peeing on the side of for weeks.

I'm glad i'm an actual " New Yorker" and i know the real deal...but really.... did these people really think that a city where everyone wants to be and / or is moving because its " the city of dreams" wouldn't be tough fucking shit? seriously. But at least you have an office with french doors in buffalo

The article was good but it made me angry, just as the writer said it probably was.

p.s. i'm way too into the hillz

tomorrow is school and mouth surgrey ...where i'll probably have a panic attack and leave before i walk into the office

Another one through

2008-08-25T23:12:00.000-07:00

Today was my last full day of summer. the only thing i want to do was get my car washed to get loads of dirt an some egg off of it and i didn't even do that. i'm so miserable about summer ending and school starting in two days. i'm 50% glad i've picked up another day at work so i can pay all the money i owe faster. i want my essay application to come from fit real bad.

Went to PA, poconos, for 4 days it was GOOD.

- I shot guns and it was insane and maybe one of the best feelings/ experiences ever. carianne says i'm going to become that crazy mother annette bening played in american beauty. sounds good to me. it really would release loads of stress if i could just go shoot a target for 15 minutes at least. so someone buy me a ruger redhawk revolver so i can be a cowgirl.

- when and HIKED in bushkill falls and played in the waterfalls. it was amazing and beautiful there and ther were staircases and trails built along side the mountain.

- i now love ping pong

- i fucking hate the taste of jager but it makes me feel so good

- cigarettes- $4.60 WHAT.

I need to:

- shop

-buy a new mattress and finally have a giant bed

- take a mini trip to a different city for a weekend like boston or philly or anywhere really

- see girlfriends

- buy awesome movies i made a list of

- watch the documentary on helen thomas

- find and purchase ' i hope they serve beer in hell ' still

- regain a super flat stomach

- have the surgrey on my mouth

- buy awesome dracula shit

- get the way bandy book on makeup

- write an essay explaining explanations i don't have but just know

- make $$$$$

2008-08-18T15:34:00.001-07:00

Summer is almost gone. I have less than 10 days till school. I told the other girl i work with that i would take over her thursdays for her but i don't even know if i can. this picture to the left is weird. i have extra skinny limbs.

Waking up at 6:30 in the morning to have class in ITALIAN of all things at 8 a.m. and then having work till 8 afterwards will suck. my entire week will.

I need to write essays.

I need to have "Hills nights" with nikki every monday in bk.

I've been making a list of really good movies to buy,

i really hate this summer, but i do not want it to end.

going to the poconos to get away with like paul, 10 dudes and nikkianne from thursday- sunday. I can't wait to swim in the lake and shoot guns.

i need to use my id.

17.

2008-08-16T14:42:00.000-07:00

i figured out that i am going to be broke till around my birthday, which is also not possible for me because it's not like i get money from my parents i only have my own. i still owe daniele $35, and now my parents $403 for my phone bill from text messaging, i.e. DO NOT TEXT ME , CALL OR SEE ME IN PERSON LIKE NORMAL HUMAN BEINGS, and i'm going to the poconos this weekend so i'm going to owe ralph $160

i've been looking like crap lately, maybe? i think so. haven't been doing much either. this is offically the worst summer. it was such a drag and a fucking half man. i smoked a joint with my boss yesterday in the salon, that was pretty awesome and i bought a woody allen box set dvd thing. its sad that these are some of the highlights from summer.

i sent in my application for FIT today. i hope i get in, and thats all there is to update about that.

went to a show with brittnee and met up with dustin there, who was absolutely hilarious. the security guard gave me dirty looks for eating a hotdog. misery signals is so flawless when they perform, always.

also, i will never be or ever have been an unfaithful girlfriend to anyone. i've never even been an unfaithful friend. thats all there is to say about that is well.

picz soon

peace outz

2008-08-13T15:44:00.001-07:00

everything is going missing in my life.

2008-08-11T08:34:00.000-07:00

certain things should just remain constant.

the male gender.

2008-08-06T17:20:00.000-07:00

it must be a full moon or some shit because all the men in my life are going nuts. i havent gotten along with my dad in about 6 months or so. i think it became the worst when he retired and was always home, because our relationship wasn't great before that. but a few days it go so extreme that was mom was screaming out our screen door that she was going to call the cops because we were beating each other to the ground on my front lawn. yep, me and my father we're in a fist fight, and in front of mary which made it worse for me.

i left me house for about 2 days and slept out but i slept home last night because i had to catch an early ferry which i missed anyway. i've been carrying an overnight bag with my everywhere and staying at pauls, where ill probably stay again tonight.

the rest of the boys in my life are just so overly dramatic lately , everything i do , i can't win. something is always wrong in some way or another.everyone needs to take a horse sized chill pill.

bluebird.

2008-08-04T01:24:00.000-07:00

i just want to know what exactly what i want.

i need to stop staying up till 6 a.m. because i constantly browse the internet and my mind in search of something, but what?

i need new music in my life.

i got a fake i.d. : happy birthday to me i turned 21 and am from maine.

this is possibly one of the most beautiful things i've ever read:

there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too tough for him, I say, stay in there, I'm not going to let anybody see you. there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I pur whiskey on him and inhale cigarette smoke and the whores and the bartenders and the grocery clerks never know that he's in there.  there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too tough for him, I say, stay down, do you want to mess me up? you want to screw up the works? you want to blow my book sales in Europe? there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too clever, I only let him out at night sometimes when everybody's asleep. I say, I know that you're there, so don't be sad. then I put him back, but he's singing a little in there, I haven't quite let him die and we sleep together like that with our secret pact and it's nice enough to make a man weep, but I don't weep, do you?

InFORMATION OVERLOAD.

2008-07-30T16:27:00.000-07:00

SO a lot has happened i have to say. first things first is what i'm not going to say because i believe that i shouln't walk under ladders nor should i open umbrellas indoors nor should i assume because it makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me" and so i will not so anything because i believe in jinxing as well.

sam james groves and i tracked around ikea for the longest time

sometime last week. james got a new apartment on the island , i can't wait for his dinner / move in bbq. me and sam helped him pick out bathroom supplies. i only look foward to sweetish meatballs and lingonberry tho .

pauls brother rob turned 15. when i met him he was 13. he has matured so much that its scary. it really is seeing someone grow up so fast in a year 1/2.

i went up to connecticut to celebrate another birthday but this one was for my uncle, he was 50. my cousin is probably going to die from doing so many drugs and she flaunts and talks about how " if its white its right" in front of everyone and everyone is oblivious except for my cousin dan, his girlfriend, my cousin taylor, and bryan. i love going on the boat and watch people swing from a rope and drop down 40 ft into the water. i need a BOAT.

MORE IMPORTANT THINGS:

i need to leave my house immediatly. i went to FIT today to get some info but they werent much help, no college system is i dont think. i made up this plan in my head and it goes like this: i dont really want to dorm at FIT but i will if my only other choice is living in my house. i want to get an apartment or house in brooklyn with a couple roomates but i have to figure out who and need a better job to do so. i planned on seeing what classes would give me credit for fit that i could take at CSI because i'm not going to pay for classes that i dont need. if there arent a lot of classes that i can take then i will only take one or two and the i was going to try to get a second job in the city and maybe quit my other one which would be hard because ive been there almost 4 YEARS. with that job i would save up money and either figure out how to get an apartment mid semester OR dorm and save up and move out sometime during the year. my relationship with my parents and even brother has just gotten so bad and its no one fault it's just time for me to leave the nest, ya know?!

IF ANYONE KNOWS ANYONE LOOKING FOR ROOMIES LET ME KNOW !

also today i waited around in the city for an hour to get a fake id and the guy told me i need 25$ more dollars so i went and spend it on way too expensive clothes. i plan go to again sunday hopfully i'll have the money. i want to go to the park sunday too and lay with friends .NIKKI ASHTON THIS MEANS YOU. please lets get mango ice cream as well and drink water with lemon. and isnt there that skate thing saturday?

im anxious again i need to get out.

p.s. my internet is a piece of shit.

p.s. i love my new phone.

.

2008-07-21T22:12:00.001-07:00

IF YOU WALK AWAY

i walk away.

totally cute.

2008-07-21T22:09:00.000-07:00

dazed and confussed

2008-07-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

you think i'd be taking advantage of this heatwave and going to the beach but of course i'm not and i'll regret it when the next week comes and its rain rain rain.

there is about a month and a week of summer left which freaks me the fuck out because i have to do a lot if i want to transfer to FIT by spring. i'm scared of pe

rsonal things that might come up that are going to distract me from what i want and make my mind all cloudy. thats what usually happens and i can't let it! i need to go to the school this week, probably wednesday when i go get my new fake. i want to talk to admissions about my essay, apply there, and see if there any classes i should take at CSI that will benefit for FIT.

thursday i met nicole in the city at her job on 34th and we went down to houston and ate at this french thai place called elephant. i had green papaya salad with chili and lime which a side of curly fries. it was amazing. niggz told us they would fuck us so hard we'd have to smoke our entire pack of boggies afterwards. YEA

didn't go to sirenfest saturday because it was way too hot. its ok though because the line up wasn't that great at all. later though daniele and i went to bushwick to nikkis party. really fun, really hot. met cool people. on the way home i almost fought a girl on the ferry with daniele. she started with us because of past things that happened with daniele and her boyfriend , than sat at the back of the ferry and we had the whole other side of the ferry, which consisted of ghetto criminals, asking about her STDs and yelling at her. i didn't get home till 7 am and feel asleep fully clothed, shoes , bag, and all. i chain smoked all night and somehow managed to get through 3 packs of redz and now i've had this big ball in my throat ever since. i'm glad i found out everyons sign it was giving me anxiety that i didn't know them, which is sad. i remember kathelenn was really funny saturday but i forget what she was saying that was so funny.

its not that i don't believe what you say,

its just i'm scared you'll forget what you said you believed in.

where do i belong?

!!!

2008-07-19T00:52:00.001-07:00

transformation.

you were first on my list.

2008-07-17T12:36:00.000-07:00

i've had the strongest urge for travel for about 4 months now. i think its because when i'm in a relationship i just like to be with that person and i become a huge homebody and thats the experience i want to stick with.

now that its over i have the urge again. i can't wait to have more money so i can just get up and GO.

i'm going to transfer to FIT in the spring and probably choose a business major and then get into interior design. This will be my thrid college i've gone too. I hope i stick with this because i just find it really hard to stick to something you don't know if you'll like if you actually have a career in it.

i went to antik with nikki , her friends, carianne and daniele. karaoke is so much fun when you are shwasted. i wish nikki stayed longer. i'm getting a fake id on saturday with mary so we can go out all the time because GUESS WHAT it's almost the end of july , how is there one more month of summer left? everything just became so stressful and more tiring than anything and i most of forgot all about time...

once you knew a girl and you named her lover.

i don't want to love anymore.

bad actors with bad habits

2008-07-15T00:26:00.000-07:00

i wish everytime you came crawling back i would have left you with the " what if?" and not have taken you back so that maybe...you would have learned to love me like you did.

i hate this feeling, i hate feeling betrayed.

i'm suffocating in my house, it's not making me better here , its making me worse.

i need to find a way to move out by the fall. i feel like i'm on a overly motivated mission to breathe again.

daniele and i want to start a band , whos in?

2008-07-13T03:39:00.000-07:00

its weird that last summer was one of the best summers, esspecially last july.

this july is far/ farthest from the best anything.

i'm really grateful for friends

ive permanently decided on two tattoos

i want to get the one of my wrist tomorrow

i need to change everything right away

its 630 in the morning, i really do never ever sleep.

i can't believe you ran away.

how could you?

2008-07-11T00:46:00.000-07:00

today i was describing how to a friend how he makes me feel so ugly and boring sometimes, like drew barrymoore in never been kissed and how i just want to scream " i'm not josie grossie anymore!" and feel good again. they told me i was not josie grossie but drew at the end of the movie on the baseball field because the beach boys are playing.<3

i want to be on the same level as your friends or above again.

i'm going to transfer to f.i.t by the spring and hopefully have an apartment by november.

i want to go to california for my birthday and i have a 500$ airlines coupon, whos down?

everything on this island is so depressing...

I NEED TO RID.

a skit?

2008-07-09T23:33:00.000-07:00

facts have definitions

love has no definition

love can therefore not be a fact

so how can we know if love is ever or will ever be real?